Monday, March 17, 2014

I May or May Not Be Leaving on a Jet Plane


I'm tentatively planning a trip to London with my mom this year. I say tentatively, because I'm not actually sure I can do it -- leave my husband and child behind for 10 days. A few years ago, my husband and I had a week in New York, while my mom babysat. It was the most thrilling, romantic, fun, enjoyable second honeymoon possible, and yet I still cried pretty much daily over how much I missed my son.

My husband takes fairly regular business trips, which I've gotten used to, but the feeling of him being in China was a whole different animal to the feeling of him being in Vancouver or Philadelphia. I felt the distance. I know I will feel the distance even more when I'm the one on another continent.

People don't get this. I have not been able to find a single person I can talk to about it who understands or even takes my feelings seriously. "Oh, you'll be fine," everyone says.

Back when I was an adolescent, I was mocked by teachers for my attachment to my mom. A counselor I saw as a young adult obviously thought it was fucked up. I see it in my son now and think, yes, we do need to help him move away from us and find people outside his family to care about. But I don't judge or blame him for it. It's who he is.

Today I just feel like saying a big fuck you to everyone. This is who I am and there's fuck all I can do about it, even if I wanted to.


7 comments:

  1. I take your feelings seriously though I can't relate. I don't understand why my mom cries every time we say goodbye after she visits. The first time my husband went on a business trip I cried halfway home from the airport and then got over it. Now I just kick him out the door as I drive by the departures zone.

    You feel what you feel so there's no need to apologize for it or for anyone not to take you seriously. Do you want to get tips for dealing with the distance while on the trip or do you want help not feeling guilty for staying home? My POV as a highly detached person is that I wouldn't want to miss out on an experience just because I'd miss my family. With skype/facetime/google+ video chat & texting I don't feel the separation as much with my husband unless he's in a super far out of sync time zone.

    Have you tried googling to find a forum for similarly attached people like yourself?

    -Jane

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    1. ""Do you want to get tips for dealing with the distance while on the trip or do you want help not feeling guilty for staying home?"

      An excellent question! I'm not sure, really. I think I most want some magical way for us all to go.

      I wouldn't even begin to know how to google for that. ;-)

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  2. Start by googling Adult Separation Anxiety. Then add forum to the search topic. It may take some browsing to drill down to what you need. Hope that helps.

    -Jane

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    1. I do have problems with anxiety, but I don't actually have the symptoms of Adult Separation Anxiety. Other than perhaps with my house.

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    2. Perhaps some of the people on those forums would be able to relate to your situation or provide alternative places for you to get info. I don't suffer from clinical depression but I find those that do are very compassionate toward me when I'm feeling my version of depressed. Their tips and words of encouragement help me in my situation and I've found a lot of people similar to me who use those resources for our own needs. Just a thought. Either way, I hope you either enjoy your trip or enjoy staying home. :)

      -Jane

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  3. You sound like my mom. She cries when we separate, misses us, and she has cancelled trips before to stay close to us, although it's easier after the umpteenth time and if she has others around her to whom she's close. It also helps to think you'll be reunited soon. It's not unusual in my culture. So if it makes you feel better, in other parts of the world, your feelings would be absolutely normal. :)

    -Nu

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    1. There's an author named Robert Pirsig, whom I haven't read, but my husband tells me that he wrote that the job of anthropologists should be to find out which culture a person belongs in. I've certainly never felt right in mine.

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