Wednesday, May 18, 2016

I Have No Idea What to Do With This Ephipany

I've been throwing myself into gardening this Spring. It takes spoons, that's for sure, but it really helps with my depression and has such good long term results.... pretty things for me to look at, and nice smells, and easy to harvest healthy food on hand, if all goes well. I have such tremendous difficulties with providing myself with food that being able to go outside and just pick some never stops feeling miraculous.

As I hoed and planted some seeds today, I found myself thinking about some horrible forms I have to deal with for a program my son is in. And it hit me how, unlike gardening, using those spoons takes me in such a negative direction. Ultimately I think the program is a good thing, and it was my son's choice to continue to go, but the ongoing red tape and dealing with bureaucracy and the driving him to and from there, and the complaints from him when he's not in the mood, and the constant worry that this isn't really what he needs...

There are so many things I want to do, that I don't have energy for any more. I hate that I have to use some much of it on doing things that make me feel worse instead of better.