*phew*

 I attended a workshop on alternatives to conservatorship tonight and I am just over the moon. For practically the first time, I feel like I got what I needed from one of these workshops. I have resources and information that no one else was able to tell me, and I have a sense of how to move forward and prepare so that my daughter will be supported if something happens to me and her dad. All three of us had found the idea of conservatorship for her pretty appalling.

I do wish that most of the important people in her life weren't our age or older. That's something we'll have to address. But meanwhile, if we die in a car wreck soon, she won't be left entirely on her own. 

Yay, For Once We Weren't Thrown Under the Bus

 My husband and I went to a show recently, in a city known for its strong disabled community. There were quite a few people there using mobility devices, and he and I, being larger people, both appreciate the wider aisles and large, comfortable seats.

It took me a while to realize another way in which this venue was disability-friendly: it required vaccination cards and masks. We've been getting out more lately, and that's become increasingly rare.  We always wear N95s, but having others masked as well made the experience so much less anxiety provoking than usual. 

Ack! My heart is walking around outside my body and it doesn't feel well!

 My family is away on a road trip and my daughter is miserably sick. (Probably not Covid, though it's hard to be sure.) It hurts my heart so much. She loves road tripping with her dad, but I'm the one she wants when she's sick and it kills me that I can't be with her.

My husband will probably go to London again later this year and I was pondering whether to go along this time. The thought of the miserable flight and having to be masked nonstop for long was already a strong mark in the con column, but the thought of my child maybe getting sick -- or us getting sick and not able to get back to her -- pretty much finishes that idea. 

We were going to leave her on her own for the first time ever... in March of 2020. Had a schedule made up with all our friends to check in on her and everything. And I definitely think we still should, but maybe stay on the same continent for the moment.

My kid on "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

 "that was one of the best and worst movies I've ever seen."

Pretty much sums it up. 

Oh my

 I asked my doctor if I should do jury duty, given that masks aren't required and I have an immune deficiency. (Not a major one, it's not usually a big deal, but does cause some issues.) And she wrote the fiercest, most scolding medical letter I have ever seen, basically blasting the county for not requiring masks for all to protect at-risk people.

I have had some issues with her over the last many years but sometimes she just knocks it out of the park and I'm really glad she's my doctor. 

Where Do We Go?

 Bo Burnham's "Inside Outakes" has a bit of a song that's basically just "please don't make me vote for Joe Biden" and oh man, am I feeling that right now. I didn't want to vote for him, but I had no idea what a truly terrible choice he would turn out to be. I'm not talking about inflation and the price of gas, which I don't think is within his control, but the terrible passivity around the destruction of democracy, and worship of now-meaningless "bipartisanship," and the utter disappearance of Kamala Harris, who I actually approved of. Not to mention the plight of children at the border, which has barely improved. 

America really needed to go in a new direction and instead it tried to go back to a comfortable (for some) past and it was a huge mistake that I think will be the end of us. The price of gas will likely get Trump back in and then even "blue" states won't be safe.

So.... where do we go? Two aging, anxious adults with a disabled and transgender adult child. My husband has useful skills and he can do his job from anywhere, and we own a valuable home, so we've got that on our side.  We have relatives in Chile who could help us there, and he has colleagues all over the world who value his skills. 

But against that is the knowledge that right wing fascism is spreading almost as surely as Covid all over the world and we could be out of the frying pan into the fire. 

The Times, They Are Kind of Staying the Same

 One of the, probably permanent, changes in our lives from the pandemic is a deep freezer and a bookcase in the hall that's become a pantry. I just stocked it with a massive amount of pasta, since it looks like the war on Ukraine may make wheat prices go up. 

I got over feeling like I needed to save and use everything, but I'm still bulk buying toilet paper and kleenex (an indulgence, but we all have runny noses) and my husband brings home packages and packages of our kid's favorite foods. Worrying about being able to feed her, with her limited diet, was a huge fear.  One that was never realized -- the worst it got was her having to put up with homemade peanut butter cookies instead of chocolate -- but those fears stay with you.

I guess I'm thinking about fears, because my husband is flying to Germany tomorrow and I'm fucking terrified. 

Everythings Going to Be... Pretty Shitty, Apparently

 (spoilers for season 2 of "Everythings Going to Be Okay") 

I've watched the first two episodes of the second season of "Everything's Going To Be Okay" and am just beyond furious. I can't believe I didn't encounter screams of outrage about this on Twitter. To create a wonderful relationship between two autistic people, actually played by autistic actors, and then destroy it with the most cliche of sit-com metaphor jokes -- Oh no! Matilida is STRAIGHT! -- is an absolute slap in the face.

It's not that it's inherently a bad storyline -- both characters are still quite young, it's easy to make mistakes with your first relationship -- but there's a sensitive and caring way it could've been handled and this was the exact opposite of that. 

Then there's the fact that they haven't addressed how seriously her family let Matilda down in New York. There is a scene where she blames them for it, but it's mostly nonsense and is immediately called out as nonsense by her sister, "that's just from some show she's watched." (Paraphrased.) The real truth, that Matilda's family is fairly wealthy and not one person has thought to use this useful fact to get her help in achieving her goals, is infuriating and unaddressed. I understand not having the drive or skills, God knows, but money can solve a lot of problems!

Finally... it's just bad. Like terrible improv. The characters just stand around being goofy at each other. It's kind of cool that they chose to acknowledge the pandemic and lockdown (I don't know if I would've thought that if I'd watched it when it first came out) but it's still a television show. There has to be a sense of pace and movement and intention. There's absolutely none.

Edited to add -- I've done some further reading and it sounds like they get a lot better in how they approach this relationship, so maybe I'll keep watching.  Episode two is just freaking unforgivable though. 

Arrgh.

 Ooof, I messed up the other day.

We were hanging out at a beach, and my friend's kids weren't into playing, so my kid was feeling really lonely. And I noticed this boy talking to an adult about Legos, who set off my a-dar. He was wandering around, also seeming lonely, so I persuaded my kid to ask him if he wanted to do something.

It's been so long since I've tried something like this, and I totally didn't take into account how it would feel to an autistic teen. He handled it much better than my own kid would've, very politely, but he was obviously startled and I hope it didn't freak him out too much. (Especially since my kid is huge.) Maybe someone with more experience facilitating could've made it happen, I dunno. 

I feel so bad, setting my kid up for failure like that. 

Parenting worries

 I watched "Allen vs. Farrow" yesterday, my stomach in a knot of grief and horror for the people who had to live through that. And anger that I had been so manipulated by Allen's powerful media machine, to the point that I had no idea about this case while it was going on. And also... a touch of fear. 

When family friends talked about how weirdly Allen interacted with his daughter, it hit alarm bells for me. (Note... I'm absolutely not trying to excuse Allen or disbelieve his accusers. The evidence is utterly damning.) Because my relationship with my child often felt weird. She needed attention in unusual ways and she gave attention in unusual ways. (I shouldn't put that in the past tense, it's still true, perhaps even more so now she's an adult.) And I was (and am) always aware of how it might look to the outside world. My mom friends and I, a rather unconventional bunch all around, always used to joke about CPS visits in a way that revealed we were always a little scared it could happen to us.

When my daughter got appendicitis, the doctors were visibly suspicious about why we hadn't brought her in sooner.  Since she was officially diagnosed, they accepted our truthful explanation, that she was under-reactive to pain and not always able to express her feelings, but it was a reminder that our parenting could look weird/wrong/bad. What if she hadn't been diagnosed? I don't know. 

It's still not entirely comfortable. Trans people are under attack in the U.S. My daughter's aide offered to write a letter for us for a "safety file" that parents of trans children keep. I said that now she's an adult, I don't have to worry about CPS anymore, and she reminded me that there's an APS.

(Which is not a bad thing! Unless the law is changed so we're bad parents for supporting her transition. My heart aches for parents in Texas right now.) 

I told my husband about the show making me feel like this and he got it completely.